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Picture this: You’re relaxing at home relishing the bliss of alone time and a plush mattress. Suddenly, a ping from your phone grabs your attention, and, sure enough, it’s a text from a friend confirming your approaching plans. If you’re being extra honest with yourself, not only are you less than thrilled to keep these plans, but you’ve also been hoping the usual confirmation text would never arrive and the date you were mutually eager to set in the first place would float into oblivion until the next inevitable round of “Oh, my god, how are you? We’ve got to get together soon!”
Whether you’re constantly spreading yourself too thin or navigating a form of severe anxiety, this is a scenario many of us know all too well. Part of the issue can be linked to the looming pressure to appear busy and maintain a robust social life. “Busyness is a badge of honor for several reasons. First, it’s trendy. When asked how one is doing, ‘busy’ is an expected answer. No one expects to hear that someone has nothing to do or is bored. It’s kind of related to a person’s social status, so if you’re busy, you must be ‘in,’ ” says Dr. Ann Burnett, director of the women and gender studies program at North Dakota State University. “Second, in our research, we’ve found that being busy is equated to what is ‘normal,’ meaning that this is how everyone lives, and busy is also equated to being effective. If one is busy, then they must be hard workers, successful. The last factor contributing to the badge of honor is a sense of social responsibility—I’m needed in my community to serve on X board, or X organization needs my expertise. You’ll notice, too, that this badge of honor is tied closely to socioeconomic status, in that the higher the status, the more likely one is to say she is busy.”
This language is everywhere, and can result in a kind of collective self-consciousness that’s worsened by our online lives. Feelings like I should be doing more, working more, laughing more, adventuring more seem to grow tenfold under the watchful gaze of social media. Canceling plans can feel like an existential crisis, meaning you’re not living life to the fullest. But it doesn’t have to feel so bad. When all you really want to do is sit alone at home, here’s how to make the time without feeling like a flake.
Be Honest—It Could Bring You Closer to a Friend
At its peak, my social anxiety wavered between the throes of a meltdown and incessantly agonizing over whether it was worth it to leave my house, socialize, or tend to important tasks that required venturing beyond the confines of my room. Other times I felt consumed by a mental and physical exhaustion that I wasn’t yet comfortable communicating to friends. Throughout these rough patches, there were many last-minute cancellations and elaborate excuses that left me feeling even guiltier. A positive shift began to occur once I understood a dreaded conversation I’d typically avoid until the last minute could be an opportunity to quell anxiety and deepen a friendship. A simple text—like, “Hey! I’m not feeling so great this week; can we play our plans by ear?” or “I just want to give you a heads-up, I’m having a hectic week and may need to reschedule; I’m eager to see you, but I’d rather get together when I’m in a better headspace”—can go a long way. No one’s a mind reader, and if your friends don’t have personal experience with whatever you’re dealing with, anxiety or not, there’s a good chance they have no clue how exactly to show you the support you need.
Gauge Your Feelings in Advance
Putting feelings into words and vocalizing discomfort is huge and is a major source of empowerment, Los Angeles–based life coach Dawn Smith tells Vogue. “What made you want to cancel the plans? Take it as a time to be reflective instead of beating yourself up over it and making yourself feel worse about it. Commit to being honest about the feelings you get from either the event, the people at the event, what’ll be happening at the event, the timing, all those things. Am I putting everyone else’s needs before my own? And do I even know what my own needs are? Taking the time to be reflective of one’s own needs will actually prevent having to cancel plans in the future. A lot of people will avoid confrontation; they’ll avoid talking about what’s making them feel uncomfortable, which leads to them then canceling plans. When we speak from our hearts, people can relate to that and people who can’t relate to that aren’t really our friends. That’s a really important thing to reflect on as well.”
Consider What Actually Brings You Joy
As you continue to open the lines of communication between yourself and friends, it’s great to take stock of what works for you, the individual, as opposed to what’s viewed as typical or expected of someone your age, in your field, of your background, and so on. High-intensity social settings (parties where you don’t know anyone, clubs, networking events) can be unbearable for the working mom fatigued from juggling home and work life, the woman coping with a mental illness who gets anxious about going out, or the woman with an unsupportive partner evading shared duties. Find friends who are sensitive to your needs and willing to compromise with low-intensity activities: movie nights, grabbing a bite at a local café, small group outings. Quality time without having to get dressed up or deal with the pressure to be a social butterfly can serve as a major pick-me-up.
Accept Your Friends in Return
If you find yourself repeatedly on the receiving end of canceled plans with a particular person, bear in mind it’s likely not personal. A person opting out of plans because they don’t have the energy or mental strength to engage is an act of self-care, not one of malice or selfishness. Nothing says supportive friend like giving them some space while letting them know you’re available when you’re both feeling up to getting together.
In a perfect world, preventative measures would always take precedence over last-minute canceling, but alas, life is never that clear-cut. Sometimes we don’t realize how much we’re not calibrated for an activity until we’re confronted with it head-on in the moment. Until you get to the point where you can comfortably decline things that are not of interest or too stress-inducing, vive la canceling plans! When you forgive yourself for the fact that you can’t always predict your future feelings, it becomes easier to be generous and flexible with others. If you’re crumbling inside for whatever reason and honoring plans just compounds that negativity, take a rain check. Tomorrow’s another day.