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“Why don’t you color your hair? Aren’t you afraid of getting old?” Those were the questions model Enzie Domingue heard when she began going gray. But, she says, “For me, the freedom that has come with acceptance has been exceptional.” As more women decided to go gray amid the lockdowns of the pandemic and a greater number of celebrities have brought their silver tresses to the red carpet, finally the shade is being embraced rather than automatically hidden.
But as any woman who has considered her grays will tell you, there’s no one right way to practice self-acceptance. As BLKMKT Vintage founder Kiyanna Stewart puts it, “I think that embracing graying hair looks differently for everyone doing the embracing and that’s okay.”
Here, four Black women—some who started going gray in the last couple of years and others who began at age 15—talk about what having gray hair means to them, feeling confident in their skin, and their favorite products to nourish their locks.
Enzie Domingue, Model
Her journey: I started graying in my mid-thirties. By the time I turned 40, gray strings were everywhere. Surprisingly, I was not disappointed. Not for a second was the weight of maturity felt… in fact, every strand felt earned. Now that I am 56, I have a full set of gray and the journey to a silver mane has begun. I’m embracing all of the aspects of this process. The comfort of being true to my natural self is a challenge that I'm tackling with pride, despite the negative comments of some “friends” such as: “Are you mad? Why don’t you color your hair? Aren’t you afraid of looking OLD?” etc …Honestly the idea of letting nature take its course was much more appealing to me than being a slave to many salon trips.
Her regimen: I love using the Shimmering Lights shampoo to enhance the silver. To maintain deep hydration, I use the custom made oil, curl cream and deep conditioner by Prose. I can get away with washing two to three times a week. I also use extra accessories, extensions and ponytails to style differently every now and then.
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Her advice: The French have a saying, “chassé le naturel, il revient au galop,” meaning, “if you drive out the natural, it comes back at a gallop.” If you are not ready for this process, don’t pressure or rush yourself. But eventually a decision will need to be made. For me, the freedom that has come with acceptance has been exceptional. In my opinion, being “old” is a state of mind. I have never been better in my life. When I’m walking around New York, people stop me constantly to inquire about my look.
Selena Ayala, Nutritionist
Her journey: My hair journey is awakening in my forties: the more I understand myself, the more I move with my body instead of against it. The more I change to adapt to new circumstances, new forms, and events that arise from the old, everything gets better, and I level up. The embracing of my gray hair is my personal repair for how I treated myself in the past. A few years ago, around 2016, I earned my degree in clinical nutrition; having the education about body literacy, nutrition, and my menstruation cycle, I felt empowered in my ability to understand the signals of my body and to relate to my body in a new way. I believe that body literacy and health education are underutilized interventions in Western medicine. So for me, there were years I had a deficit of knowledge about my body, and I related to my body in very harsh and intense ways. However, the more I learned about my body and aging, the more the process of graying provided me with more oxygen to care for myself in a unique and meaningful way.
Her regimen: I try to optimize whatever experience I am in. For example, I have a routine for hair, skin, and bodily functions such as bowel movements to create a relationship with my body. As an integrative nutritionist, I look at the whole story. More effort toward addressing
imbalances elsewhere in the body are equally important to hair, skin, and bodily function routines. I no longer look for immediate topical solutions. Instead, I look at the whole body. I try to ask myself: what are the areas of my diet, lifestyle, sleep hygiene, and lack of body movement that might have sent a signal to my body? Signs could appear in the form of dryness of hair, bloating, gas, and chronic fatigue. When it comes to products, I turn to filtered shower heads and Briogeo’s deep conditioning mask—it’s an intensive formula for weekly use to repair moisture. I’m excited to try Bread Beauty Supply, I’m very impressed with the ingredients and obsessed with the market and ethos.
Her advice: The most advanced practice in a healing journey to changing your lifestyle is acknowledging where you are and being where you are. Ask yourself: What are the limitations? What are the circumstances? What small gradual change should I start with today? Slow and steady changes will offer vital information and help you decide what is the right size fit for you.
Kiyanna Stewart, Co-Founder of BLKMKT Vintage
Her journey: Throughout my life, I’ve had so many possibility models for what my hair could do and could look like. My mother and sisters really spoke lovingly to me about my hair and they let me try different styles, which only affirmed the notion that my hair could do what I wanted, with a little patience and skill. I learned early as a Black girl that hair was a site of beauty, community, connection, even politics—and those lessons, often indirect and subliminal, reinforced messaging that my hair was special, my own, an extension of me and to be treasured. Some of the direct messaging was about my perceived spiritual strength and wisdom, that I was blessed and held by our ancestors. I also learned lessons the hard way when rushing, being careless and even neglecting my hair in busy or stressful times. It always showed and I caught on that my relationship to my hair was a lifelong, malleable commitment. I would have to love it because we’re only blessed with one head of hair (this may be debatable now because of where hair technology has brought us since the ’90s). Even as a little girl, I understood this.
Although I started graying at 15, it wasn’t until college and grad school that it really started to fill out. My mommy was fully gray in her mid-twenties and I knew I was on the same track. It was an easy transition for me because I loved how much it set me apart from other people. It was unique and vibrant and damn, it looks so good on my dark brown skin. It was a very ease-filled process for me and I was mostly curious to see how it would come in, compared to my mom, grandma’s and great gran. Curiosity is what I was mostly guided by.
Her regimen: If my hair isn’t in braids or another protective style, I typically wash and condition one to two times a week. I do a hair mask or deep condition every two weeks and lastly, I see one of my favorite hairstylists, Shan Fine, once every two to three months for a trim and steam treatment. If my hair is out of braids and curly, I spritz it with water regularly (several times a day). I sleep with a silk bonnet and take Prose supplements daily. Right now, I’m in love with the Olaplex system. I use about five to six different Olaplex products and my faves are the bonding oil and purple shampoo, which I like to leave on a few extra minutes for extra brightening of my silver strands. I try to keep my product usage to a minimum, but a staple for my hair and body is Planted Hair Care’s Aloe Ginger Hair & Skin Oil.
Her advice: I read a lot about gray hair and the science of premature graying. Understanding and knowledge are really important tools. Get to know your hair. Get into a relationship with your own hair. Not understanding or seeing your hair through the prism of hair marketing messaging, but from experts and the full body of science and information that is accessible to us. I also want to affirm, for women and femmes specifically, that we do not need to embrace anything we do not want to. If you are growing gray and don’t like the look, you’re entitled to do what you need in order to be most at ease with your hair and body. That might look like dying your hair, adding gray extensions, clip-ins or getting a perm. I think that embracing graying hair looks differently for everyone doing the embracing and that’s okay. Some work I had to do was unpack and work through my ageism. I had to unlearn the idea that premature gray hair would make me appear older and possibly more undesirable. These standards require each of us to explore our own assumptions about graying, desirability, getting older, mortality, wisdom and changing, often outright paradoxical beauty standards. Doing that inner work is guaranteed to result in an embrace and acceptance of your hair’s gorgeous and unique existence as it is—and any way it rests on your head.
Walda Laurenceau, Acupuncturist
Her journey: I started graying in my early twenties. It was just a single strand. During that time I was also extremely stressed. I think that was the first time I wondered if that stressful period of emotional ups and downs encouraged the sprouting. The new growth came in more over time throughout my twenties and through my thirties. I never actually felt uncomfortable with my new strands. I think it was more about, how do I adjust myself to the new growth and personality of my hair? The gray hairs honestly interacted differently than my other darker strands. Rather than covering up with color, it sort of became my goal to figure out what these silver strands needed. At the time, I didn't recognize it, but I realized that I had to relearn gentleness, patience and acceptance towards myself through my hair. Being patient and ultimately allowing my hair to "be" was helpful. Then one of my younger sisters said to me, “You should pull your hair back more so your grays can show.” I tried it, despite not being comfortable. I believe I slowly began to fully embrace my hair and that it was changing...I was changing and becoming someone new. Out of the blue, women would compliment my hair and question if they were ever able to let theirs come in fully. My answer was always, “Just let them be. It will make sense later.”
Aside from not having the energy to think about coloring for comfort, trusting the process helped. But what really inspired me was other women coming up to ask me about my journey. So many women who approached me at the time were nervous or not ready for the visual change. So the more I stood in that awkward space, the more I began to see the beauty and appreciate the grays. I actually felt more beautiful, more confident and I'm so happy I stayed the course!
Her regimen: Moisture, moisture, moisture is the key. Not just from products but actual water hydration inside and out. The better I eat, the more my hair flourishes from the inside out. I also supplement with a good-quality prenatal vitamin. My daily routine includes a simple protective style of twists, or braids usually with a cute, light, breathable turban. On average, wash days have 10 to 12 days between each. Cleansing products that are non sudsing work best, such as the As I Am co wash and, when needed, a gentle clarifying shampoo to remove product buildup like the HydraTherma Clarify shampoo. I do treatments every two months with Olaplex #3. This really helps to strengthen and coil my curls with added moisture. Shea Moisture conditioning masks like Strengthen & Restore with a heat cap works wonders. Melanin's Twist-Elongating cream and their hair oil are my must haves. I always like to have raw unprocessed Shea butter to nurture my hair ends, and it's just a good overall body butter.
Her advice: If you can figure out why you struggle with your new grays then that's a good start. Is it an issue of feeling like you're getting old? Or is it an issue of not knowing how to maintain? Whatever the issue is, don't run or react too quickly. Experiment. Look for inspiration and pull those images to inspire and know that change is good and the grays are an amazing privilege to experience.