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I have a long and proud tradition of recapping romantic comedies for this website, but today I’m veering in an ever-so-slightly different direction. It had been a while since I saw The Kids Are All Right, the 2010 Lisa Cholodenko film about a queer family reckoning with its own origin story, and it felt like high time for a rewatch. Is there romance in this film? Not a ton, but I’m going to go ahead and recap it anyway.
- God, I love Annette Bening. In my book, she is one of four straight people on this earth who are allowed to play gay.
- Julianne Moore is also on the list, largely because of this movie.
- Am I officially old if when I watch the skateboarding-teen-boy opening scene of this movie, I immediately start panicking about how to make my as-yet-nonexistent children wear their helmets?
- SHOSHANNA!
- Zosia Mamet really has always been delightful.
- Oh, God, now the teen boys are snorting DRUGS. Am I the Church Lady?
- Whoever did the costume design really nailed the 2000s-era casual lesbian look.
- “If it was up to you, our kids wouldn’t even write thank-you notes, they’d just send out good vibes.” Got ’em!
- I truly can’t think of a more normalizing scene in recent LGBTQ+ pop culture than these lesbian moms hectoring their daughter to write thank-you notes.
- OMG, the son is baby Josh Hutcherson!
- The daughter, Mia Wasikowska, refers to her moms in the plural, which is extremely cute and retro.
- Sex scene! I’m 12.
- Real talk, though, this was one of the first queer sex scenes between women I ever saw that didn’t appear to be geared toward a man’s pleasure. Female directors for the win!
- Hey, it’s my baby, Mark Ruffalo! I sat next to his daughter on a plane once. True story.
- Yaya DaCosta in the film role she deserves! Actually, she doesn’t really get to do anything in this movie except be a hot and outdoorsy foil, but whatever, I’m glad to see her.
- Oh, damn, the kids just requested contact with Mark Ruffalo (who, for the record, is their sperm donor).
- It’s funny how much of this lesbian movie I, a lesbian, spend pining for Mark Ruffalo.
- I mean, have you seen him in a jean jacket? That transcends sexuality.
- Did this movie coin the term zoomer?
- “Right on, yeah, cool, I love lesbians.” Would that this were the first time I’d heard such a panicked, studiously chill reaction to my gayness.
- Mia Wasikowska’s hair in this movie is so iconic.
- LMAO, I forgot the son’s name is Laser.
- “Hey Laze, seriously, don’t sweat school, man,” is an incredible motto for the way I live my life.
- Mark Ruffalo could test the bounds of my stagnant marriage any day, if you know what I mean.
- I know these are fundamentally good, well-raised kids because their mothers correctly instilled in them a lifelong fear of getting on a motorcycle.
- Seriously. It’s insane to get on a motorcycle!
- The moms begging their angry teen son for hugs is too real. Parenting: It’s all embarrassing!
- All these queer-domesticity fights are making me feel uncomfortably seen.
- Okay, at least Yaya is given one good joke in this movie.
- Laser is busted watching his moms’ gay porn, which is up there in the “Conversations You Don’t Want to Have With Your Parents” hall of fame.
- The moms find out the kids met their biological father, and they pretend not to be upset, but they clearly are. Seems like a tough one, TBH!
- I should go as Annette Bening in this movie next Halloween: cropped blonde wig, scrubs, glass of red wine, done.
- Mark Ruffalo comes in hot to family dinner wearing leather and bearing Syrah, a.k.a. lesbian bait.
- Mark Ruffalo is extremely annoying about how he’s a doer, and Annette is clearly weirded out that he’s such a free spirit.
- Aw, the moms’ origin story (they met when Julianne came into the hospital where Annette was a resident) is very cute.
- Julianne and Mark bond over hippie-dom, which leads to a predictable fight between Julianne and a clearly threatened Annette.
- Julianne and Mark bond even more over creating a “fecund” garden, and it’s fairly clear they’re going to bone.
- From Julianne’s perspective, it would be extremely weird to start developing feelings for the biological father of your kids.
- “Hello. Donor dad? Stone-cold fox.” Zosia gets it.
- Aw, Mia makes out with her friend. It’s cute because they’re both nerds.
- My dream of living in Southern California again involves the idea that people are constantly playing table tennis at sunset.
- Laser makes plans with Mark instead of going to a Dodgers game with his moms, effectively breaking their hearts.
- Mark tries to exert unearned dad authority over Laser, who is not really into it.
- Damn, I want Annette Bening to run me a candlelit bath.
- Foot massage too. Oh, my.
- Jesus, I forgot about the subplot in which Julianne and Mark are casually racist about her Latino gardener.
- Oh, yeah, and then they totally kiss.
- Poor Annette!
- Only in a Lisa Cholodenko movie is the line “I want us to start composting” delivered with true emotion.
- OMG, Mia’s on the bike. Nooooo, Mia!
- At least she’s wearing a helmet.
- There’s a big skirmish with Annette (who is right about the unsafe-ness of motorcycles!), and Mia freaks out, leading Annette and Mark to fight.
- Welp, now Julianne and Mark are banging.
- Not saying queer people can’t have straight friends, but...I don’t buy that Annette and Julianne have straight friends.
- Annette has a meltdown (in front of the straights!), and it only leads to her and Julianne fighting more, in extremely relatable and devastating ways.
- Queer people: We’re just like you! We fight about familial roles!
- Oy vey, Mia calls while Julianne and Mark are banging.
- God, Julianne really is insufferably horrible to her gardener, culminating in a giant Karen-y tantrum where she projects her own guilt onto this poor man.
- Man, I love makeup artists who don’t cover Julianne Moore’s freckles.
- I crave her aviators!
- Annette and Julianne temporarily broker peace and go to dinner at Mark’s, which quickly turns into a shitshow when Annette finds Julianne’s hair in Mark’s bathroom and realizes they’re banging.
- Fights, tears, storming out, etc.
- Mark asks Julianne to leave Annette and bring the kids, which horrifies her, as it should.
- The core four eventually make up!
- Now for the scene that always makes me sob: The moms and Laser drop Mia at college, an event so sweat inducing I can still physically recall what it felt like for me 11 years ago.
- I love this ending: Julianne and Annette hold hands in the car. So simple, so sweet.
