Which Old-Fashioned Manners Still Apply?

At a recent funeral luncheon for my husband’s aunt, I did what I always do when the waitstaff begins the long and laborious process of shipping plates and bowls to each guest at the table: I waited. Even after several members of our 20-or-so party started slicing into their chicken and beef, I didn’t touch my fork. I was doing the courteous thing by delaying my meal until everyone else was served—at least, that’s what I thought.

My husband nudged me. “I appreciate what you’re doing, but it looks kind of weird,” he whispered. “Everyone else is eating. You can eat if you want.”

But table manners! But all forks down until the last plate is set! But, but!

I felt as uptight as Emily Post, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat until that last plate was served. Maybe it’s the fault of my mother, who from an early age shared with me the importance of fish forks and the proper placement of napkins when one excuses oneself from the table (always on the chair, never on the table). Whatever the reason, I had to face facts: When they’re no longer in vogue, “good manners” can seem odd, out of place, and—most horrifyingly—even rude.

After posing my question about table manners on social media (“Should you wait for everyone to be served before lifting a fork and eating?”), my timeline exploded into a 114-reply dispatch. People were utterly baffled about when to eat, when to hold doors for people of the opposite sex, and whether funky pajama pants are indeed ever office appropriate. Clearly, we’re a society in need of collective etiquette counseling, and who better to address our concerns than Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert, the author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life, and the owner of The Protocol School of Texas. I recently spoke with Gottsman, who weighed in on a dozen examples of good old-fashioned manners to decide whether they should be kept, ditched, or swapped out for more modern alternatives.

1. Should you wait for the entire table to be served before you start eating?

“A good host and a polite guest knows it’s important to wait for everyone to be served,” Gottsman says. “However, a gracious guest that knows everyone else’s food is getting cold will not want to hold up the table. She or he will say, ‘Please eat, I insist,’ and the rest of the table has permission to start. It would be terribly uncomfortable for the guest without food to watch their tablemates’ spirits dampen and food get cold.”

2. Should you insist on keeping your plate if a waiter wants to clear and your dining partner is still eating?

“You would politely and discreetly say to the server, ‘I’m going to keep my plate,’ ” Gottsman says. “It signals to the server that you are not rushing and want your guest to feel comfortable while they finish their meal.”

3. Should parents teach their children to address their friends’ parents as “Mr.” or “Mrs.?”

“It depends on the relationship you share with your friends,” Gottsman says. “In many regions, adults insist their children address their friends with an honorific. However, there are also situations where friends are more like family, and they prefer a title such as Uncle Joe or Aunt Sarah. Some friends and families allow their kids to call their friends by their first name because it’s a sign of comfort and familiarity. College-aged students are a little different. When working in a business setting, losing the honorifics gives millennials more power when interacting in a high-stakes situation.   Bottom line: It’s a preference based on each family. Most often, err on the side of caution and use Mr. or Mrs. until they ask you to call them otherwise. Some parents insist on their children using honorifics. But the best way to handle it, when in doubt, is to ask the adult how they would prefer to be addressed.”

4. With so many people following strict gluten-free or vegetarian diets, is it rude to throw a dinner party and not ask every guest if they have dietary restrictions? Or, if you’re a guest, should you let your host know about your dietary needs?

“When throwing a dinner party, the host is going through much time and effort to prepare a beautiful dinner for all of her guests to enjoy,” Gottsman says. “It’s best to find out any dietary restrictions in advance rather than finding out last minute. If a guest has a serious allergy, it’s not impolite to let the host know. The guest can offer to bring a dish to share with the entire group.”

5. With more and more people asking for “your presence” instead of “your presents” on party invitations, do you actually respect that request (especially if you are attending a child’s birthday party)?

“When there is a specific request to forgo gifts, the protocol is to honor the request of the host,” Gottsman says. “If someone shows up with a gift, or multiple people show up bearing wrapped presents, it’s really most impolite of the guests who did not follow the suggestion. It puts other people in an awkward situation because they did as the host requested. Bottom line: Do as the invitation states.”

6. Should men pull out chairs and open car doors and doors for women—and should they do this if they are professionals who work with these women?

“Social protocol dictates that the man pulls out the chair for a woman and also opens her door,” Gottsman says. “Corporate protocol dictates that men and women pull out their own chair and open their own door. A woman would also hold the door for a man if she arrives first and he is carrying packages. It’s polite for anyone walking through the door first to keep it open for the person walking in behind them.   If a man is offering a simple courtesy, whether it’s social or corporate, it is most gracious to accept the gesture politely and not take it as an insult. It would be impolite to decline a genuine gesture of goodwill.”

7. Should a man still ask a woman’s father or parents for “permission” before proposing marriage?

“Asking the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage is antiquated but still often seen as a symbol of love and respect,” Gottsman says. “Many generations ago, it was expected. Today, it’s a nice gesture if the circumstances are right. Some fathers and daughters will appreciate it and others will find it dated.”

8. Is it rude to call someone on the phone to RSVP when a text or email could suffice?

“Texts are functional and efficient in many cases,” Gottsman says. “When it’s a formal conversation, or a difficult conversation such as a breakup or quitting a job, personal connection is the only way to go. You respond to an RSVP in the same manner that you received the invitation. If someone invited you to a function by a text, feel free to text back. If they sent you an invitation through the mail and included a reply card, use the card. If your invitation requests to respond by email, follow directions and respond as requested.   If you run into the host at the grocery store, or on the playground with their kids, letting them know verbally is not the same as responding officially. They may forget, and it will seem as if you forgot to reply!”

9. Is it okay to make plans with someone that same day? What about a date?

“It’s always better to make plans in advance,” Gottsman says. “Of course, an impromptu date is fine, but you take the chance of the person having another commitment.”

10. In this day and age of oversharing and transparency on social media, is it rude to ask a woman who looks amazing for her age and whether she has had work done?

“Absolutely. If anyone wants you to know they have had an enhancement, they will offer the information,” Gottsman says. “Never ask.”

11. You’ve received a wedding invitation, but it isn’t clear whether your children are welcome. Should you ask?

“If the child’s name is not on the invitation, you can assume they are not invited,” Gottsman says. “It is rude to ask because it puts the host in an awkward situation. If they make an exception for one, they have to make an exception for others.”

12. For the love of all things holy, can a child just ring a neighbor’s doorbell to play with another child, or must parents make elaborate text-phone plans beforehand?

“It depends. There are times when an impromptu visit may be fine, but there are other times when the parents or kids have already made plans,” Gottsman says. “It’s always best to call ahead when possible. However, neighbors pop over from time to time, and you can just be honest and let them know that ‘little Billy is not available to play right now.’ ”